How to Make Real Friends in English | Easy English Podcast

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1. 0:01Hello and welcome back to the Easy English Podcast.
2. 0:05I'm your host Oliver, and today we are going to be talking about
3. 0:10a very interesting topic in clear and simple easy English.
4. 0:18So have you ever had it where you maybe you're at the stage with your English that you feel like you've made some big improvements. You can speak pretty fluently,
5. 0:29perhaps you can order meals in restaurants, you can use English in your workplace. But you still struggle to make
6. 0:39friendships in English, or at least to get past that next level with meeting people and connecting on a deeper level.
7. 0:49Perhaps you have plenty of people to talk to, but not so many people to actually talk with.
8. 0:57And often in this position, you can talk about the weather, your job, basic things, but it's very hard to take it to the next level. And today we're going to explore
9. 1:08that a little bit about why, why that happens and how you can possibly overcome that as well. It's a challenge that I think
10. 1:18that everyone faces at some stage when they're learning a language. Why is it so much harder to bond
11. 1:30with someone, to make friends with someone in another language? But as always, I want to teach
12. 1:39you some key vocabulary. And today we have 5 words and phrases. So we've got an adjective, some
13. 1:48verbs, and some nouns today that I want you to listen out for in today's episode. So I'm going to read out the words. I'm going to give you the
14. 2:00definition and an example, but first, if you're brand new, make sure you follow or subscribe to the Easy English Podcast.
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17. 2:23Our first word for today that I want you to listen for is the word superficial. Superficial.
18. 2:29This is a great word. It's an adjective, and it means only on the surface, so something not deep or
19. 2:38meaningful. So for example, I'm tired of having superficial conversations about the weather.
20. 2:47So they're not deep, they're not meaningful, They're quite basic conversations. Our second phrase today, it's a
21. 2:55verb. So it is a the verb to bond, to bond. And this means to develop a
22. 3:03close connection or a friendship with someone.
23. 3:07So when you bond with someone, you become really good friends or close. You can bond romantically with
24. 3:17someone as well. Our next word is vulnerability.
25. 3:22Vulnerability. It's quite a hard word.
26. 3:25And the word vulnerability means the willingness to show your true self. So including your mistakes, maybe the bad stuff as well as the good.
27. 3:37So almost like sharing your, your secrets, the, the true nature of yourself and true friendship often really does
28. 3:48require a little bit of vulnerability.
29. 3:51So being able to share more openly about yourself, your true
30. 3:57nature, some of your mistakes. The fourth word is more of a slang word, I would say, and maybe not necessarily slang
31. 4:07anymore, but it is the word banter, banter.
32. 4:11And this is a nine, and it's used quite commonly to mean, you know, playful, friendly, teasing or joking.
33. 4:22And often close friends, they have a bit of banter, a little bit of teasing, playful jokes between each other.
34. 4:30Our fifth word today is a verb, and it is to Click to click.
35. 4:36So this doesn't mean to literally click something.
36. 4:40It means in an informal sense to instantly get along with someone. So you have a connection, you
37. 4:48click with someone. It's a really great verb.
38. 4:53So for example, you can say I met someone in a cafe and we clicked instantly. So we got on really well
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44. 5:44OK, so let's have a look at the small talk ceiling.
45. 5:48The biggest obstacle in general to a deep friendship is the small talk loop. As a learner, you're very good at often answering basic questions.
46. 6:00You have your script ready. You know, perhaps where you live, what you do, and why you've moved.
47. 6:07But the problem is, scripts don't make friends.
48. 6:11They make acquaintances. When you stay in the safe zone of some perfect grammar and polite facts, you aren't always
49. 6:21showing your actual personality. Deeper friendship is built on that more messy stuff, those weird opinions, the failures and
50. 6:32specific sense of humour, which can often be particular to different friend groups. If you're too afraid to make a
51. 6:40mistake, you remain superficial. So not very deep on a surface level we might say. And to break that ceiling.
52. 6:51So to take it deeper, you have to stop being a student and start being a human that happens to speak English.
53. 7:00So you're not trying to think too much like, you know, answering the script or having the questions, but you start
54. 7:07being yourself in the language. And that brings me to my second point for today's episode, and that is the vulnerability gap.
55. 7:18That's what I call it, the vulnerability gap in your native language. You know how to complain about a
56. 7:26bad day, you know how to share a secret in a way that feels natural, and you know that process of opening up and
57. 7:36becoming closer with someone in a natural way.
58. 7:42But in English, sharing something deep feels quite heavy, maybe awkward. Perhaps it lacks the nuance that
59. 7:51you have in your your native language, so it doesn't sound or feel as comfortable. And you might actually think, you know, if I can't say it right or I can't express it
60. 8:02right, maybe I'll not say it at all.
61. 8:05Or perhaps you struggle to express it and it can be quite discouraging. But research does show.
62. 8:13So regardless of English or not, research does show that people actually like you more whenever you show a little bit of vulnerability. So a little bit more about your
63. 8:25failures, maybe some problems, that type of thing.
64. 8:30And if you struggle to find a word, you can say, you know, you can say to the person, you know, I can't remember the word for this. Let's say you're telling a story
65. 8:40and you forget the word. You can say, oh, I can't find the word that I need to express this.
66. 8:46And this moment actually can help you bond with someone.
67. 8:50And to get past that, that initial stage, because you're, you're sharing a vulnerability. You're sharing the fact that you don't know the word. Maybe it's a little bit
68. 9:00embarrassing, but you're talking about it now.
69. 9:03The next part, which is I think very, very true and it can be one of the most frustrating parts of learning English is the
70. 9:11difference in cultures. So one little trick, one thing that I guess tricks a lot of people when they first go to the
71. 9:20UK or the US is that making friends in English speaking cultures is typically known as something that's called the
72. 9:29Peach versus coconut problem. So we have what what are called Peach cultures. So for example, the USA and
73. 9:38people are soft, they're sweet, they're friendly on the outside.
74. 9:42So for example, they smile at strangers, they say, how are you? But inside there is a stone.
75. 9:49So there's a very hard part that is very difficult to breakthrough. It's very difficult to get into that deep part. It takes a long time, but there
76. 10:01are coconut cultures, so cultures which appear very hard on the outside. So this can be Eastern Europe,
77. 10:09maybe Germany perhaps. When I lived in Russia I saw this. Well, people can seem very hard
78. 10:17and cold on the outside from just first impression, and maybe they don't smile in public, they don't really talk that much in public. But once you breakthrough the
79. 10:28surface, which is very easy in comparison to Western cultures, they are very, very soft, friendly and deep very quickly.
80. 10:41So if you come from a coconut culture, a culture where you, you, you don't have a lot of that expressiveness on the
81. 10:51outside in public, you might come to think that you know, someone from a Peach culture like the USA or the UK is your
82. 11:01friend very quickly. But someone from that culture doesn't think the same way. They think I don't really know
83. 11:10you very well, and perhaps as well they maybe don't see you as a friend at all from those initial conversations.
84. 11:19They might just be friendly or maybe they're just being polite.
85. 11:26And this is quite difficult. And when you come from a culture like that, so let's say a culture of the UK or the US, you
86. 11:36develop an ability or a sense to be able to tell what someone means based on how they say it and what they say.
87. 11:46But of course, if English is not your native language and you weren't born in the UK or grew up there, it can be very hard to understand this. And it can take many years to
88. 11:57get used to it and to learn it by simply living there and by meeting these people. Here's a few phrases that might throw you off Sometimes, particularly it's something I
89. 12:08don't like, but sometimes people will say, you know, hey, we should really grab a coffee sometime or we should meet up sometime. And you know, what this usually
90. 12:19means is I've enjoyed chatting with you, it's been nice, but I don't have any plans to meet you again.
91. 12:26So it's a general statement that's quite polite saying, you know, I liked spending time, I would like to spend time again,
92. 12:34but there isn't any actual concrete plans.
93. 12:38The difference is if they asked you, you know, when would you like to meet for coffee or they actually trying to organise something that is different and to test if someone is being real
94. 12:50about this, you can do just that.
95. 12:52You know, if someone says we should get a coffee sometime, you can say, oh, when suits you, how about Thursday?
96. 13:00And you'll find out very quickly if they actually meant it.
97. 13:05Another phrase might be, you know, that's so interesting, we must talk about this more. And usually what that actually
98. 13:15means is, you know, I want to end the conversation because I don't want to keep talking about it.
99. 13:20So I'm pushing it till later and we'll probably not talk about it later either. So that's a good sign.
100. 13:29That's a good sign about that. But you know, real friends generally are made in the follow up stage.
101. 13:36So in many English speaking cultures people are quite terrified or shy about being too pushy or awkward.
102. 13:46So they often wait for you to make the move because you're the new person. Which can be quite difficult
103. 13:53because you know, if you also are quite shy or maybe don't want to be the person to make the move, no one makes the next
104. 14:03step and therefore nothing happens.
105. 14:07So if you don't push past that very vague sometime or that the, you know, the lack of planning a next meeting or doing something,
106. 14:17it's very easy to stay in that superficial acquaintance zone forever. It's very hard to take that next
107. 14:27step. It might feel a little bit assertive, but it is necessary to push a friendship or a relationship to the next level, I think in English speaking
108. 14:38cultures. But I do want to caveat this.
109. 14:43So I want to add a little point that when I talk about these topics, particularly, you know, about English speaking cultures
110. 14:52or other countries, I am generalizing.
111. 14:55So I'm not necessarily a stereotype, but I'm talking about trends, what I see in my own country and in other countries that and, and people that I've I've met and dealt
112. 15:07with. But what I want to say is that even here, so in the UK, there are so many different types of people. Some people are more assertive,
113. 15:18some people you know, are more open as well, and some people are more closed and harder to become friends with.
114. 15:26It is totally different from person to person, but as an
115. 15:31average as a whole, 100% I can tell you that people here, so in
116. 15:39the UK take a lot longer of a time to become deep friends with. It takes so much longer in my
117. 15:48experience. And most people that I know who have moved here, it takes a lot longer for them to develop friends with locals. And actually when I went abroad
118. 16:00and I was living in different in a different country, I made friends much easier with Germans.
119. 16:07So I have a quite a few German friends, Spanish and other cultures in other countries, not other British people.
120. 16:16I find it much easier because I felt that they were much more open and quick, quickly became friends with them in comparison
121. 16:26to here. Here friendships are built over years until you get to that stage where you can feel
122. 16:36sometimes like you have that deep friendship.
123. 16:39It's a little bit annoying sometimes, but it's just the culture. And perhaps the area of the UK that I'm from as well is a very big focus on family.
124. 16:51So people have their family and then their friend groups and it's much harder to get into those groups because they're already well developed and have been there for a long time.
125. 17:03OK, so that brings us to our listener spotlight for today.
126. 17:08Last week I asked you, how do you feel when you speak English?
127. 17:13You know, I wanted you to tell me about your experience speaking English and I had a few really great comments that I wanted to share with you today. The first we had a comment from
128. 17:25Matthias and he said, hey, Oliver, I get really anxious when I'm trying to speak English exactly as you said.
129. 17:33My heart starts to beat faster, my hands begin to sweat and I just forget simple words. But your advice here or with
130. 17:44your advice here, I'm going to speak again with more confidence next time. Thank you again.
131. 17:51You're very welcome Matthias and good luck.
132. 17:54That's an excellent comment, very well written and it's totally normal to feel that way when speaking.
133. 18:01You know your non-native language and with time it will get easier. So keep it up and keep on going.
134. 18:09I had another great comment from Michael and Michael said, what's up Oliver? My name is Michael.
135. 18:16When I speak English, I usually feel fine and confident.
136. 18:21However, unfortunately I haven't had many opportunities to speak English because in my country we don't speak it.
137. 18:32When I did have the chance to speak, I felt fine, but there were cases where I forgot a few words and it hurt my confidence
138. 18:42a little in that specific situation.
139. 18:45Don't worry Michael, it's totally normal to forget some words, but I completely understand why you felt that way. But keep it up.
140. 18:54You're doing great and a really really excellent comment.
141. 18:58Today I had another comment from I think Gyro and they said I've never spoken with another person in English but I think I will
142. 19:09feel a little bit overwhelmed because I'm a shy person when I talk in my native language. Now imagine speaking in another language. That's crazy.
143. 19:21You can do it. You should really give it a try and don't stress, no matter how badly or well you speak, it is a
144. 19:31victory or it is a success that you're actually trying, that you're speaking and that you're putting in effort.
145. 19:39Think about how many people in the world, especially those who are English or American, that don't even speak or learn
146. 19:50another language. So it's a big achievement already that you do. So give it a try.
147. 19:56You can absolutely speak in English.
148. 20:00OK, so basically if we recap, making deep friends in a second language is quite difficult at the beginning, especially
149. 20:10because we probably don't feel fully like ourselves yet.
150. 20:15You know? It takes time to develop your personality in your second language and to really feel like you can express yourself fully. But that matched with the
151. 20:26cultural differences as well can make it very hard.
152. 20:31But keep on trying. Keep on, you know, creating those vulnerable moments with people where you will bond and
153. 20:39connect and develop deeper friendships that are more than a superficial acquaintance. So you can do it.
154. 20:48And you know, thank you very much for listening and being a part of this podcast as well. Although I don't know you, I do consider each and every one of you one of my friends.
155. 21:00So thank you very much for your support for listening and I will see you all in the next week's podcast episode.
156. 21:09Goodbye. Have a lovely rest of your week.