Are You Confident Speaking English, or Just Comfortable?

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1. 0:00I just got back from a trip to Darwin, a city in the north of Australia.
2. 0:05And while I was there, I met a Thai woman whose name was Wan, and she had moved to Australia from Thailand about two years ago.
3. 0:17And from what I heard, Wan is the model English student.
4. 0:21She studies, she has a conversation partner, her tutor that she's been meeting in person once a week for more than a year.
5. 0:31And together, they prepared for her job interview to be a manager at a local restaurant.
6. 0:40But on the day, the interview didn't go as well as she had hoped.
7. 0:45There were two people who were interviewing her, and one of them wasn't a particularly friendly person.
8. 0:52And the way that Wan described it to me was she broke into pieces.
9. 0:59And as I was listening to her talk about this, I realised what was happening.
10. 1:05Even after all of the work that she'd been putting in with her tutor, Wan had definitely become comfortable, but she still wasn't confident.
11. 1:26Hey, ladies.
12. 1:27Welcome back to our regular viewers, and a big warm welcome if you are joining us for the first time.
13. 1:35This is the Confident English Podcast.
14. 1:38My name is Emma.
15. 1:40I'm the founder of Hey Lady!, an online community that brings together women from all around the world to meet new friends and practise speaking English To find out more about what we do and how we can help, make sure you head over to our website where you can sign up for a free seven-day guest pass.
16. 2:03The link is down in the description or in the show notes.
17. 2:07All right, let's dive into today's episode.
18. 2:19So what happened to Wan?
19. 2:22She was so diligent with her English practice.
20. 2:25She blocks time, she studies, and she practises every week.
21. 2:31So she absolutely made progress, no doubt about that.
22. 2:36But that progress was in a space that had become so familiar that it really didn't challenge her in the way that real life does, like in an interview, or when you go out for lunch with a group of strangers, or you have to have a difficult conversation with someone at work.
23. 2:56Her tutor made her feel safe and comfortable.
24. 3:00He spoke English with the same voice at the same speed.
25. 3:05He knew that she was learning and where she was up to on her learning journey.
26. 3:10So he waited when she paused and helped her when she got stuck.
27. 3:15Nothing surprises you in an hour like that.
28. 3:19And it's genuinely valuable, especially at the beginning as you're getting started, when you need that safe space to start speaking, and that space helps you to make progress.
29. 3:34I've always said, and I always say here on the podcast, that a great speaking partner makes you feel safe enough to make mistakes, and Wan definitely had that.
30. 3:45The problem is that what got Wan to where she is today, being comfortable speaking English with someone that you know and someone that you trust, well, that isn't what she needs to move beyond that, because your comfort zone only grows when you step beyond the edge of it.
31. 4:07Sitting in the middle of it, doing the thing that you already find comfortable doesn't help you to push those edges outwards.
32. 4:16You can do that every week for a year, like Wan has, and somehow manage to stay exactly where you are So we've talked about feeling comfortable.
33. 4:34What about feeling confident?
34. 4:37Well, these two things are, are actually related.
35. 4:40Confidence is about trusting yourself to do things that are uncomfortable.
36. 4:47It's a belief that you have that whatever happens, you will be able to manage.
37. 4:53And that belief in yourself develops just like any other belief.
38. 4:59It develops with experience and with evidence.
39. 5:03Proof that you can, proof that you did.
40. 5:07And until you have that proof, until you've experienced it, your belief about yourself and what you're able to do stays exactly where you are.
41. 5:20And it takes courage, because in order to have new experiences and prove to yourself that you can do the thing that makes you feel uncomfortable, you have to step outside of your comfort zone.
42. 5:36You have to gain experience doing things that you are not yet comfortable with, and those experiences need to be positive.
43. 5:48You need to feel successful in those moments, otherwise you are unlikely to keep doing them.
44. 5:56If you're afraid of swimming, you are not going to have a positive experience if someone pushes you into the ocean, are you?
45. 6:05That's not helpful.
46. 6:08That is not going to build your confidence to swim, is it?
47. 6:12Now, for Wan, a job interview with two people that she had never met before, and one of those people being not very friendly, well, that was exactly that.
48. 6:26It was unhelpful.
49. 6:29Did she learn from the experience?
50. 6:31Sure, she did.
51. 6:32But she didn't learn that she could manage.
52. 6:36She didn't prove to herself that she could trust herself.
53. 6:41It didn't build her confidence.
54. 6:45What would have built her confidence is if she prepared for her job interview with different people, people with different personalities, people that she didn't know well, people who asked questions that she wasn't expecting.
55. 7:02And those experiences could be positive if she wasn't in the job interview itself, in that stressful environment.
56. 7:12If she was in a space where she didn't feel so much pressure, one that gave her time to think and respond in a space where maybe she could make the mistakes and work out how to recover because the stakes were not so high.
57. 7:30With each of those conversations, she has a much higher chance of collecting evidence and proof and experience that she can manage in those situations that are outside of her comfort zone.
58. 7:46That would build her confidence.
59. 7:49That would expand her comfort zone in a structured way, much more than just practising with her tutor alone.
60. 7:57And the same lesson, the same learning is relevant for you as well.
61. 8:08So if you feel like you need to spend a little bit more time on the edge of your comfort zone, just past where it's comfortable, well, where do you actually start?
62. 8:21You start by asking yourself a question What do I want to be able to do in English that makes me feel uncomfortable right now?
63. 8:32You don't need to overthink this and you don't need to think of the most stressful situation either.
64. 8:40Expanding your comfort zone happens little by little, step by step.
65. 8:46So I'm gonna share a couple of examples that I've heard from women inside Hey Lady! One of those was to join her colleagues for lunch instead of eating at her desk.
66. 9:01Another was talking to a parent at school instead of avoiding them.
67. 9:07And another was just speaking to a complete stranger, just you and them, one-on-one.
68. 9:14I want you to let me know in the comments, what is one thing that you want to be able to do that right now makes you feel uncomfortable?
69. 9:25I'd love to hear from you on this.
70. 9:28Now, think about how you can take a small step towards it.
71. 9:32What is a deliberate choice that you can make to put yourself into a situation that makes you feel a little uncomfortable?
72. 9:41Not completely freaked out, just a little uncomfortable.
73. 9:47Let's say it's the lunch with your colleagues.
74. 9:50Maybe you could start by walking with them to lunch, but not staying.
75. 9:57You could say something like," I've actually bought my lunch today, but maybe I can walk with you guys and get some fresh air?" It's a little step, and you get to see how it feels.
76. 10:10Did you manage?
77. 10:12You could push a little further next time.
78. 10:15Maybe you could sit down and join them for a drink for 10 minutes, but then make an excuse to leave.
79. 10:22You could say, " I've gotta head back for a meeting now, guys, so I'll see you back at the office." And with each one of these little steps, you become a little more familiar with the people, the environment, and all of the things that make you feel uncomfortable.
80. 10:40And as you do all of these things, make a point to just acknowledge what you're doing.
81. 10:45Take it as proof that you can do uncomfortable things and you can manage.
82. 10:51You can carry all of these little steps with you as evidence and as proof.
83. 11:03Expanding your comfort zone step by step is a big part of what we do inside Hey Lady! Inside our community, you have daily opportunities to connect with women from all over the world., Different careers, different accents, different ways of thinking.
84. 11:21It's definitely a place where you can practise your English in real conversations.
85. 11:27It's a place where you can experiment a little and challenge yourself and gain new experiences.
86. 11:36As a member in Hey Lady!, you have the opportunity to even host your own conversations, and hundreds of members inside our community do this every month.
87. 11:48So you choose the topic or you choose the activity that you want to practise.
88. 11:54Other ladies will join you to also participate.
89. 11:57You can tell them exactly what you're working on and how you'd like them to help.
90. 12:02For so many of our members, hosting a conversation is a chance to step outside their comfort zone, whether that's running a meeting, managing a group, sharing your screen, maybe presenting something in front of a group, all of it in English.
91. 12:21But when you just get started as a new member, we will be there to help you at every step, don't worry.
92. 12:28You can come to classes and workshops that are guided by our coaches as well.
93. 12:33So if you'd like to try it, then make sure you get your free seven-day guest pass.
94. 12:38You don't need a credit card to start.
95. 12:41All you need to do is just show up, and you get seven days access inside the platform and three conversation events included, so you get to attend, you get to meet the team and decide if it's right for you.
96. 12:56The link to get your guest pass is in the description or the show notes.
97. 13:01Or if you're watching on video, you can scan right here to find out more information.
98. 13:07If you enjoyed this episode, make sure you hit like, you subscribe so that you don't miss out on the next episode, and it also helps other women to find the podcast too.
99. 13:20As we wrap up today, I want you to remember that confidence doesn't grow when you're comfortable.
100. 13:27It grows when you learn to trust yourself in the moments that you aren't.
101. 13:34Thank you for spending time with me today, and I will see you next week, same time, same place.