Why Are Adults So Afraid Of Making Mistakes?

معنی واژه با لمس

1. 0:00When we were kids, making mistakes was our superpower.
2. 0:05It's literally how we learned everything we know.
3. 0:08I bet you definitely fell over in front of people.
4. 0:12You probably put your shoes on the wrong feet.
5. 0:15You definitely mispronounced words, and nobody cared.
6. 0:21But more importantly, you didn't care.
7. 0:26So why is it then that when we become adults, everything gets flipped upside down?
8. 0:34And we do care.
9. 0:36We really care.
10. 0:39Hello to everyone joining me from all around the world today.
11. 0:54A big warm welcome to all of you.
12. 0:57My name is Emma.
13. 0:59I'm the founder of Hey Lady, an online community that connects women through English.
14. 1:06We bring together women around the world who have learned English as a second language to practice speaking in real conversations so that we can build the confidence to use English in the moments that really matter at work, while we're traveling, and in everyday life.
15. 1:26If you've been learning English for a long time, but you're still struggling to speak confidently, you're in the right place.
16. 1:35Join me and thousands of others around the world right here, every week, as we break down the barriers that stop you from speaking confidently.
17. 1:48Today we're talking about something that affects everyone who's learning a second language.
18. 2:03The fear of making mistakes.
19. 2:07I received a message from Yuri.
20. 2:10Yuri is Japanese and she lives in Cairns, Australia.
21. 2:15And Yuri says, Emma, I just started a new job and feel very worried about talking to my colleagues.
22. 2:24I'm afraid that I won't understand them, or that they won't understand me because I always make mistakes with my English.
23. 2:33Every day I find it difficult to phase them.
24. 2:36But I know I have to.
25. 2:38Do you have any advice for me?
26. 2:41Yuri, thank you so much for sharing this question and for being so open about this fear.
27. 2:48I'm sure that there's lots of others out there listening right now, nodding along, because they felt exactly the same way.
28. 2:56So let's talk about why we feel this way and what we can actually do about it.
29. 3:03My nephew's doing that right now.
30. 3:15It's really hilarious.
31. 3:16He stands up and he wobbles about for a few seconds and then he falls down on his bum.
32. 3:22Does he look embarrassed?
33. 3:24Does he look around to see if anyone's judging him?
34. 3:28No, of course not.
35. 3:30He just giggles, grabs the nearest chair, and pulls himself up again.
36. 3:35He falls down twenty times a day, and never does it occur to him that he's actually failing.
37. 3:44It's not working.
38. 3:46It's not going perfectly.
39. 3:48Now I want you to picture a grown woman, someone just like Yuri.
40. 3:54Someone who's just started a new job in an English-speaking office, and her colleagues are kind, they're welcoming, they invite her to go out for lunch with them.
41. 4:07They know that English isn't her first language, and they just want to get to know her.
42. 4:14But in Yuri's mind, all they see and hear is her English.
43. 4:20And she can't bear their judgment if she says something wrong or if they don't understand her.
44. 4:27So what does Yuri do?
45. 4:30She makes an excuse, she eats at her desk alone again.
46. 4:36Her fear of making a mistake is blocking her from doing the exact thing that she wants to do most.
47. 4:44Connect with people.
48. 4:47So that transition between the fearless toddler and the woman who avoids lunch with her workmates is really worth thinking about.
49. 4:58Where does that fear come from?
50. 5:01For most of us, that fear started to emerge when we were at school because mistakes became these big red marks on paper.
51. 5:16Those mistakes were the reason that the teacher pulled you in front of the class to correct you and humiliate you.
52. 5:23It meant that someone scored better than you, and therefore you were not as good as them.
53. 5:31And slowly but surely, you realized that these mistakes equaled judgment.
54. 5:40And here's what makes it harder as an adult.
55. 5:43You're used to being competent.
56. 5:45You're used to having all of the answers.
57. 5:48You're completely fluent in your native language.
58. 5:51Maybe you're fluent in others too.
59. 5:54You've spent years building your career, your relationships, your sense of who you are, your identity.
60. 6:03So making a mistake in front of others feels like you're losing some of that credibility, that status that you've earned over time.
61. 6:15And your brain actually treats that social risk like a physical threat.
62. 6:23It triggers a stress response.
63. 6:27And that's why you freeze.
64. 6:30That's why Yuri skips lunch.
65. 6:33That's why so many women wait until they have the perfect sentence in their head.
66. 6:41And by the time they do, the conversation's already moved on.
67. 6:45The moment's past.
68. 6:47I've got this.
69. 7:15And once you start to see your fear in this way as a protective mechanism, it doesn't make that fear disappear, but it does mean that you can stop letting that fear rule your decision making.
70. 7:33You can choose to push it aside, to thank your brain and push it aside.
71. 7:40Now there's a linguist called Stephen Crashen, and he discovered something that he called the effective filter.
72. 7:57And I want you to think of it kind of like an invisible wall inside your mind.
73. 8:04So when you feel anxious or you feel afraid of making a mistake, that wall, or that effective filter, that wall goes up.
74. 8:16And when it's up, your brain really struggles to absorb new language or even to produce the language that you already know and to get it out.
75. 8:27So Crashen identified three things that raise that wall: anxiety, self-confidence, and motivation.
76. 8:36I don't want to go into too much detail about all of this, but there's a couple of things that are worth knowing.
77. 8:44These three things, they're connected.
78. 8:47When your anxiety goes up, your confidence goes down and your motivation follows.
79. 8:54The whole thing feeds itself.
80. 8:58That's why you can understand a word perfectly when you're at home reading, you're calm, you're relaxed.
81. 9:07But then the moment that someone asks you a question in a meeting at work with other people there, that word disappears.
82. 9:17That word hasn't gone anywhere.
83. 9:20It's still in your head, but that wall went up.
84. 9:24So in other words, the more afraid you are of making a mistake, the worse your English actually gets in that moment.
85. 9:34We can all relate to this, right?
86. 9:37That wall is blocking language from coming in and blocking words from coming out.
87. 9:43It's actively working against you.
88. 9:46But here's the good news: it works in reverse too.
89. 9:50So if you lower the anxiety, then the confidence and the motivation start to recover again.
90. 9:59And you become more willing to try something new.
91. 10:04You become more willing to take risks and to be vulnerable.
92. 10:10So, how can we do this?
93. 10:18It is impossible to avoid everyone and everything until you're confident that you will never make a mistake.
94. 10:26So the goal is to start shifting how you think about the ones that you do make or the mistakes that you will make.
95. 10:35So, Yuri, if you're listening to this, I want to give you a little strategy that you can actually take away and use.
96. 10:43The next time that you feel that wall going up, that you feel that fear and that anxiety going up, I want you to try this.
97. 10:54I want you to think about your closest friend.
98. 10:58Imagine that she's the one coming to you and she says, My colleagues keep inviting me to lunch, and I keep saying no.
99. 11:07I really want to go, but what if I say something wrong or what if I look silly?
100. 11:13What would you tell her in that moment?
101. 11:17I'll tell you what you wouldn't say to her.
102. 11:21You wouldn't say, don't do it.
103. 11:24Wait until you've prepared more.
104. 11:27Wait until you're perfect because they're not gonna like you until you're perfect.
105. 11:32No way, you would never say that.
106. 11:35You'd say, look, mate, you are funny, you're clever, you've lived a life with stories to share.
107. 11:45You've got a job in English, you've got great colleagues.
108. 11:50I know that it feels hard, but you can find the courage.
109. 11:54I know you can do it.
110. 11:55And so I want you to extend that same kindness to yourself, Yuri.
111. 12:02I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that it will be perfect.
112. 12:07You are going to make mistakes.
113. 12:10There's gonna be moments where you feel flustered.
114. 12:13Some of those mistakes will actually bring you closer to your colleagues because they will have the chance to support you or to comfort you.
115. 12:23And that's a really important way that humans bond together.
116. 12:30So I want you to be kind to yourself.
117. 12:33I want you to give yourself the chance to experience lunch with your colleagues.
118. 12:40Even though it's new, even though there's risk, and that goes for you as well, my listeners.
119. 12:47I really encourage you to do what Yuri is going to do.
120. 12:52Pick one colleague, one conversation, one sentence, not a whole speech, not a perfect introduction, just one moment where you choose to show up instead of stepping back.
121. 13:10Each time you do that, saying yes becomes a little bit easier.
122. 13:17And if you can find a place, a low pressure environment, perhaps away from a work environment where there can be quite a lot of expectations from yourself and maybe from others around you.
123. 13:33But if you find that low pressure environment, you can teach yourself how to reduce that anxiety in those moments that helps you to bring that wall down.
124. 13:45This is exactly why spaces like Hey Lady exist, places where you have the opportunity to practice the things that make you feel nervous or uncomfortable.
125. 13:56But practicing them in an environment where you don't feel judged, where you meet people who help you to feel safe and supported while you are trying new things.
126. 14:08I really can't reiterate enough how important it is for women to have these spaces.
127. 14:16This is where we blossom and we grow and we find ourselves and we build confidence.
128. 14:24So if this sounds like the thing that you need, then come and see what it's like inside Hey Lady.
129. 14:30There's a link that I've put down in the show notes in the description so that you can get started right away.
130. 14:38You can get started today for free.
131. 14:40But before I go, I want to hear from you.
132. 14:43What is the biggest fear that you have about your English right now?
133. 14:49Is it making mistakes or is it something else?
134. 14:53Tell me down in the comments.
135. 14:55Thank you for spending a little bit of time with me today.
136. 14:58Remember to be kind to yourself.
137. 15:01Remember that mistakes are how we all grow.
138. 15:06I'll see you next time.