Speak English with Confident Authority: Assertive vs Aggressive

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1. 0:00What if someone told you sometimes you come across as a little strong with the team?
2. 0:07That was feedback one of my newest students received recently from her boss, and she was totally surprised.
3. 0:14She's been promoted three times at the company where she works in California. Now she leads a team.
4. 0:21She feels comfortable communicating in English at work.
5. 0:24She's efficient and effective in her role.
6. 0:27So this was not the feedback she expected.
7. 0:31Why were others hearing her as a little strong? What did that even mean?
8. 0:36Did she sound rude without realizing it?
9. 0:40And she's not the only student who has brought this up to me.
10. 0:44So what exactly is happening?
11. 0:47The issue here isn't about knowing enough English or having grammatically correct sentences.
12. 0:54The issue is how communication is received by someone else.
13. 1:01Because what other people hear comes not only from the words we choose, but also from how we say them, the tone that we use, and the situation we're in at the moment.
14. 1:13One way that confidence shows up in communication is through assertiveness, clearly expressing what you think, need, or want while still respecting the other person.
15. 1:25This is a critical skill for anyone in a leadership position, but sometimes communication that is intended to sound
16. 1:34confident and assertive can be heard as aggressive by others, more demanding, blaming, dismissive,
17. 1:43or angry than intended. So in this lesson, we're going to compare some common phrases side by side so that you can hear what changes for the listener.
18. 1:55We'll also look at how tone and context can change the way those same words are received.
19. 2:02The goal is to help you speak with confident authority in English, clearly and assertively without unintentionally sounding aggressive or too strong. Now,
20. 2:15before we compare any specific phrases, there's one important distinction that we need to make here.
21. 2:21If someone tells you you sound too strong or too direct, it doesn't automatically mean that you're being aggressive.
22. 2:30Assertive communication can be direct. It can be firm. You can say, "I disagree. I can't take on another project.
23. 2:40This needs to be done by Friday." Those are all clear, direct statements.
24. 2:45Aggressive communication goes further. It's different. It may add blame, criticism, intimidation, dismissal, or disrespect.
25. 2:55And there's something else that's really important here.
26. 2:58I mentioned it briefly at the beginning.
27. 3:01People don't hear words in isolation.
28. 3:04The same sentence can be received differently depending on how it is said and the situation you're in.
29. 3:12So as we compare the examples I'll share in this lesson, I want you to pay attention to those three things.
30. 3:19What do the words communicate, what does the tone add, and what does this situation require?
31. 3:26Those three things together can make the difference between speaking with confident authority and sounding more aggressive than you intended.
32. 3:36So I want to start with a situation in which being direct is completely appropriate.
33. 3:41I want you to imagine you're leading a project and the final numbers have to be submitted by Friday.
34. 3:47There is no room for error or no room for a late submission. So you may say to your team,
35. 3:56"I need the final numbers by Friday." That's direct.
36. 4:00There's no hidden or unclear message.
37. 4:03And if Friday is really the deadline, it clearly communicates what the situation requires. Now,
38. 4:11let's compare that with a common example that is used to be more indirect.
39. 4:16Could you send me the final numbers by Friday? Perfectly appropriate, very polite, but that sentence does something slightly different.
40. 4:26By framing it as a question, it sounds a little bit more like a request or a preference.
41. 4:33And as a result, it suggests that there may be some room to respond or negotiate on the deadline.
42. 4:39Neither sentence is automatically more assertive than the other.
43. 4:45They're just doing different jobs. If Friday is flexible or a preference, a request may be exactly what you want.
44. 4:53But if Friday is not flexible, making it sound optional can actually make your message less clear.
45. 5:00This is where context matters. So it's always important to ask yourself, "What does this situation require of me to communicate?
46. 5:10Is it okay for me to state a request or a preference?
47. 5:14Or is there a clear requirement?" Then speaking with confident authority means clearly saying,
48. 5:22"I need this by Friday." When we want to avoid sounding too strong or too direct, the goal isn't to make every message softer,
49. 5:32it's to choose language that accurately communicates what you mean while still respecting the other person. Now, even when the words you choose are perfectly appropriate,
50. 5:44there's still another part of the message that your listener hears, your tone.
51. 5:50So let's explore that a little more. We're going to keep the exact same words, "I need the final numbers by Friday." When you say that in a calm,
52. 5:59steady, matter of fact voice, it can sound clear and professional.
53. 6:04"I need the final numbers by Friday.
54. 6:07"But now listen to that same sentence said with more force.
55. 6:12"I need the numbers by Friday." The words haven't changed, but as you may imagine, the listener may hear something different, impatience,
56. 6:22frustration, pressure, maybe even anger.
57. 6:26Tone changes based on which words you stress, how quickly you speak, how sharp or tense the sounds of your voice are,
58. 6:37or even how much emotion you put into a short sentence.
59. 6:41So if someone tells you, you sounded a little strong or you sounded angry, it's worth asking yourself,
60. 6:48"Was it the words that I used or was my voice adding something I didn't intend?" Or was it both?
61. 6:57This is why speaking assertively isn't only about choosing specific words.
62. 7:03It's also about delivering those words in a way that matches the message you actually want to send. A firm message can still sound calm, polite, and respectful,
63. 7:16and a perfectly reasonable sentence can sound aggressive if the tone adds anger, blame, contempt, or unnecessary pressure.
64. 7:27This is one of the reasons that speaking in English with ease and confidence takes more than knowing just the right vocabulary or the right grammar.
65. 7:37You also need to understand how communication works in real situations, how people make requests, disagree, give feedback,
66. 7:48express an opinion or respond when something feels uncomfortable, and those expectations aren't always the same across languages and
67. 7:58cultures. This is something we explore deeply inside my fluency school program.
68. 8:03In fluency school, you learn how to communicate your ideas clearly, understand what your listener might expect from you, and make language choices that fit the situation,
69. 8:16and then you practice doing all of that in real speaking situations with guidance and feedback. If you're ready to build those skills with me,
70. 8:25I'll share a link in the notes below where you can get all the details.
71. 8:29And now let's look at another situation where confident, assertive language can easily cross into something very different, disagreeing with someone.
72. 8:42Disagreement is another area of communication where confident assertive language can be misunderstood.
73. 8:48So I want you to imagine that someone suggests a plan that you don't agree with, and you might say in a conversation, "I don't agree with that approach." That's direct.
74. 9:00Your position is extremely clear, and it could be appropriate when directness is needed.
75. 9:07Or if you feel the situation would benefit from softer language, you might say, "I see it differently.
76. 9:14My concern is we don't have enough time." In this case, you're not avoiding the disagreement, you're still stating your position and giving a reason behind it, but again,
77. 9:25with softer language. Now, let's compare that with you don't know what you're talking about.
78. 9:32Something important has changed here.
79. 9:34You're no longer disagreeing with the idea, you're criticizing the person and their ability to understand the issue.
80. 9:44That's where language moves toward aggression.
81. 9:47Aggression disregards or dismisses.
82. 9:52Assertiveness speaks plainly with respect and it maintains open communication.
83. 9:59I want you to notice here that being more assertive doesn't mean making your disagreement weaker. You can still say,
84. 10:08"I strongly disagree with that direction," in a calm, steady voice.
85. 10:14The strength of the disagreement isn't the problem. The question is, what is being challenged? Is it the idea, the decision, the approach,
86. 10:25or the person? When the focus stays on the idea or the issue, you can disagree very clearly, even strongly without turning the disagreement into a personal attack,
87. 10:38as long as the words and the tone show that disagreement with respect. Now, let's change to another common situation.
88. 10:48And in this case, imagine something was due yesterday and it still isn't finished.
89. 10:55You could ask someone, "Why didn't you finish this?" There's nothing grammatically wrong here, and sometimes it may be exactly the question you need to ask,
90. 11:07but I want you to notice what it asks the other person to do.
91. 11:11It asks the other person to explain why you failed to finish. In other words, there's blame, and blame is a form of aggressive communication.
92. 11:23Even if you're trying to simply understand what happened, it can sound accusatory, especially if your tone communicates frustration.
93. 11:34So now let's compare that with, "This was due yesterday.
94. 11:38Where do things stand now?" The problem is still clear.
95. 11:42You haven't ignored the missed deadline or made it sound less important, but now you're asking for different information. You're asking,
96. 11:51"What is the current status?" Assertiveness inquires, it seeks more information to get the full picture.
97. 12:00So before asking a question in a difficult situation, it can help to think, "What do I actually need to know right now?
98. 12:09Do I need an explanation for what happened or do I need to know where things stand and what happens next?" If you genuinely need to know why the deadline was missed,
99. 12:21then asking why may be completely appropriate.
100. 12:25The point isn't to avoid direct questions, it's to make sure the questions you ask match the information you actually
101. 12:34need without tone adding blame or accusation. With that in mind, let's talk a little bit about giving feedback, particularly critical feedback,
102. 12:46which is always a bit tricky in English-speaking culture. So in this case, I want you to imagine that someone sends you a presentation and one of the
103. 12:56slides includes the wrong revenue figures. In that moment, you could say, "You've used the wrong numbers again," and that sentence may be accurate,
104. 13:05but notice what the listener hears. The focus is on you, the person, and the word again brings in a history of past mistakes.
105. 13:16So let's compare that with the revenue figures on slide four from last quarter are incorrect. Could you update them? In this case,
106. 13:26the problem is still clear. The mistake hasn't been hidden or softened, but the focus is on the specific issue that needs to be corrected,
107. 13:36and that matters. When feedback shifts from, "Here's what needs to change," to, "Here's what you did wrong," the language can start to feel much more personal
108. 13:48and much more aggressive.
109. 13:50That doesn't mean you should avoid using the word you.
110. 13:55For example, "Could you update the figures before Thursday," is perfectly clear, perfectly appropriate. The bigger question is,
111. 14:03"Am I describing the specific problem or am I making a judgment about that person?" Confident authority is often very
112. 14:14precise. It's not afraid to address the problem that needs attention, but it does so without criticizing the individual.
113. 14:24There's one more situation I want to talk about today, and this is one I always find particularly challenging,
114. 14:32those moments when you're speaking and someone else interrupts you before you finished. I don't know about you, but if I get interrupted, it's like all my thoughts get lost.
115. 14:43I just have a very difficult time refocusing and finishing.
116. 14:48It's very distracting for me.
117. 14:50So let's take a look at what to do in that situation. Again, you're in a meeting sharing your thoughts, someone interrupts you before you finished, and you could say,
118. 15:01"I'd like to finish my point." That's direct.
119. 15:04It clearly tells the other person what you need or want in the moment. Now, let's compare that with, "You keep cutting me off." That may be true,
120. 15:15but notice what changes.
121. 15:17The first sentence focuses on what needs to happen now.
122. 15:21You need to finish speaking.
123. 15:23The second one focuses on what the other person has been doing wrong, and that word keep suggests that this is part of a repeated problem.
124. 15:34Again, that may also be true and may require some feedback later, but in the moment, even if your intention is simply to say,
125. 15:44"Please let me finish," that second version is accusatory, especially when it's said with irritation.
126. 15:54Just as much as words in a sentence may matter, the tone matters as well. Saying,
127. 16:01"I'd like to finish my point calmly and steadily can sound confident and authoritative." The same words could be said sharply and
128. 16:11as a result communicate much more frustration. So again, when you need to speak up, you don't have to avoid being direct.
129. 16:20Sometimes the clearest, most assertive response is to say exactly what you need to happen next. We just want to make sure our words and tone are appropriate.
130. 16:32In English-speaking culture, there's more than one way to say what you really need to say in the moment.
131. 16:38There are situations that may benefit from softer, more indirect or diplomatic language, and there are situations that benefit from confident authority,
132. 16:51where the language is still direct and clear, but said with respect.
133. 16:56As I mentioned earlier in this lesson, the goal is not to always make your language softer.
134. 17:03Instead, it's about knowing what you need to communicate in the moment, what are the words you need, what is the tone that is appropriate,
135. 17:12and what is the situation that you're in. And in doing so, you become more aware of what your message communicates.
136. 17:21For example, does the language stay focused on the issue, or does it add blame, criticism, dismissal, or some kind of personal attack?
137. 17:34And what does your tone add to the message? Is it calm and steady, showing respect and an openness to listen to others,
138. 17:43or is it short and filled with frustration or irritation?
139. 17:48So with that in mind.
140. 17:49Here's what I want you to remember.
141. 17:51If someone tells you that your English sounds too strong, I don't want you to automatically assume you need to change everything about how
142. 18:00you speak or soften all of your language. Instead, listen more closely to the full message you're sending,
143. 18:09the words you choose, the tone you use, and what the situation calls for.
144. 18:14You can be direct, you can be firm, you can disagree and still communicate with respect.
145. 18:21That's what it means to speak with confident authority in English. Now, as always, if you found this lesson helpful,
146. 18:29don't forget to subscribe or follow wherever you're listening or watching from today. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to next time.