English Confidence Is a Choice | A Real English Conversation with Anna

معنی واژه با لمس

1. 0:00Welcome to this month's Confident English Conversation.
2. 0:03This month I'm chatting with Anna in Poland, and we talk about several things, including getting into the details of my favorite topic, confidence, particularly confidence in speaking.
3. 0:16We talk a lot about the myths versus the reality of speaking with confidence in another language.
4. 0:24And we also really get into the details of how our personalities influence the way we speak. Anna and I are both very strong introverts, so we talk a little bit about that as well.
5. 0:36And then we also spend some time talking about a book that Anna introduced to me. It's a book I now recommend to everyone,
6. 0:46anyone who is looking for more happiness, more control, more contentment in their life.
7. 0:53And it's also a book that helped me make a really big decision recently.
8. 0:57So I hope that you enjoy as you listen, if there is something that makes you laugh or something that you think, "Oh my gosh,
9. 1:06this is exactly what I think or how I feel," or maybe there's a new word that you hear, I would love to hear about it. Share your thoughts, your comments, and your questions down below, and I hope that you enjoy this.
10. 1:22You brought this book into my life, but also into the confident women community.
11. 1:27We have our book club, and you recommended this book to the book club.
12. 1:32I know a little bit of the story, but I wanna ask how you found out about this book, because again, that, that recommendation and getting to read it in the community was just so
13. 1:43powerful. So t - can you talk a little bit how you found it?
14. 1:48Um, yes, of course. So first of all, um, thank you for having me here.
15. 1:53So speaking about this book, it was after pandemic, and we all felt awkward, I think. I, I didn't know why,
16. 2:04and I tried to find the reason why I am feeling just like that. And I was trying to find some,
17. 2:16mm, some specific patterns to, to change something and to feel happy. Yeah.
18. 2:22Because I had a lot of reasons to be happy. I have a great family, good job, fantastic friends. So I felt I should be happy, but I didn't feel like that.
19. 2:32And then, um, I, it probably, I've watched, uh, an interview in Polish television with, uh, the author of this book,
20. 2:42and I thought, "Okay, I have to read it." It, um, started with, with that.
21. 2:48And when I started to read this book,
22. 2:52it was a game changer for me. Mm-hmm.
23. 2:57Because I think that since that time, I feel that I am more conscious and more aware of my life. Yeah.
24. 3:09And I try to follow the guidelines that, mm, we have in this book.
25. 3:16Yeah. Yeah. I think one of the things, I know you've said this as well, and I've heard this time and time and time again from women in the community who
26. 3:26read this book. It's just so practical. And, and I think what you said about there are all these reasons in life
27. 3:35that I should be happy. There are everything, there's so, I have, I have so much in my life, but - Yeah. I don't always feel that way.
28. 3:44And so it kind of lets you take control of that. Yeah.
29. 3:49And I think one of the things for me that was so powerful actually comes really at the beginning.
30. 3:54It's the identity menu where you go through and you identify - Yeah.
31. 3:59Your values. Like what is most important to you? What do you want in life?
32. 4:03And so I, I started the process of this more than a year ago, I think. Mm-hmm.
33. 4:09Yeah, it's been more than a year. Um, and I've, it's taken time to implement some of the different things. Yeah.
34. 4:16But I have to tell you,
35. 4:19one of the things that I really value is time.
36. 4:22And that's one of the things he lists is time. Mm-hmm. Time with friends, time with.
37. 4:25Family. Yeah. Absolutely. And.
38. 4:26That's, that is important to me, having time to spend doing fun things with my friends and my family.
39. 4:33But the more I was thinking about time,
40. 4:36I also wanted time with my students.
41. 4:39I wanted time to help solve problems for my students.
42. 4:43I wanted time in my life that didn't feel rushed.
43. 4:48And that was one of the things I noticed is I felt I was always rushing to do the next thing, trying to get the next thing done. Yeah.
44. 4:54And I hate being rushed.
45. 4:56I want time to think and explore and be creative and to just be with people. And so
46. 5:06one of the things I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I always felt rushed, and I started looking at where my time was.
47. 5:14And so one of the big changes I made, honestly, I don't know, it was maybe 30 days ago, 45 days ago, I left Instagram and Facebook. I left social media.
48. 5:25Oh. Oh my gosh. I'm jealous.
49. 5:27Yeah. And, and I was really scared because I, I mean, I was there for, you know, I spent time there on my, in my personal life, but also for work.
50. 5:34Mm-hmm. And I, if you go, for example, to this Speak Confident English Instagram account, I haven't posted.
51. 5:43Okay.
52. 5:43I can't remember.
53. 5:44I didn't notice.
54. 5:45Yeah.
55. 5:46Well - But I set some limits on the Instagram and Facebook. Yeah. Yeah.
56. 5:50Because it's so wasting your time. Yeah. And it- It's under your control.
57. 5:53When you start to scrolling, you don't know - Time's gone. How much time.
58. 5:58Yeah. And what I didn't know. And so for me, I started it as a 30-day experiment. Mm-hmm. And I said, "I'm just gonna do this for 30 days and see." I honestly cannot tell you how
59. 6:08long it's been now because I haven't gone back to check. I've just been, just stopped.
60. 6:14But what I can say is that I have more time.
61. 6:19I don't feel rushed. I've been more creative.
62. 6:22I - And you feel calmer. .
63. 6:24Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's just like I, I've been able to do things that I was really missing in my life. Mm-hmm.
64. 6:31Um, and I didn't even know, I didn't even know I was missing them.
65. 6:35I'm reading more books. There's just so many things that I'm doing now.
66. 6:39And so again, another reason that I'm so grateful is that this book came into my life because of your recommendation, and it's allowing me to make these little,
67. 6:48little changes that are making my life definitely better.
68. 6:54And, and I'm excited to, to see how that happens for other people as well.
69. 6:58It's a seed change when you try to, to follow her - Yeah. His tips. Yeah.
70. 7:03And I also love the, mm, concept of, uh, core happiness. Mm-hmm.
71. 7:07Which is consistent of contentment, control, and the third one, alignment, I think. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So yeah, it's,
72. 7:17it's very important. Yeah. Yeah. It's incredible. And try to follow it. Yeah.
73. 7:20Yeah. Well, I, I wanna ask my favorite question so far when I've chatted with others like Sima and Chishian is looking at all of the different topics that we
74. 7:30explore in the CWs, in the confident women community. And
75. 7:37every single month we have, we call it, inside the community, we call it our roadmap, but it's like a study guide that's the foundation of what we're, the vocabulary we're learning, the topics that we're discussing.
76. 7:47And I'm curious if there's one that has been a favorite, maybe you've enjoyed it the most or it was the most interesting to you, but do you have a favorite that stands out?
77. 7:57Yeah. You call them real life topics, and I think that it's true.
78. 8:01They are real life topics. Uh, but now my mind is racing and try, try to, to choose that one which, uh, capture my,
79. 8:13my attention. So first of all, I could divided them into two types. Mm-hmm.
80. 8:20So the first one, psychological existential. And the second one, maybe mundane or something like that. Yeah.
81. 8:27And I'm probably more into psychological
82. 8:32topics because, uh, they are so important in our life.
83. 8:36And it's a paradox because we are struggling with psychological issues, but we don't have enough time to talk about them,
84. 8:46to disarm them. Mm. So however, I appreciate both types. Yeah. So they,
85. 8:55they are very helpful and, and useful. Mm, but if I had to choose one, it would be that one about toxic positivity.
86. 9:07Ooh, that, Lisa, that was a while ago. Toxic positive.
87. 9:11And I remember when we talked about that. Yeah. Everyone was like, "Wait, what?
88. 9:15Positivity's great. How is it toxic?" It's taken.
89. 9:18Yeah. Yeah. It's close to, very close to, uh.
90. 9:23Oh my God, I forgot the, the word that my favorite word in, in English. Uh, yeah. That's - It'll.
91. 9:29Come to you. It'll come.
92. 9:31To you. Yeah. Uh, uh, definitely. So it's, uh, very close to optimism, of course, and to, to hope. There was also topic about, uh, co - uh, hope and that word, resilience. Uh,
93. 9:44I think that resilience, hope, and positivity or optimism, they are, uh, triad. They, that it's very important in our life.
94. 9:53But toxic positivity is that one which really captured my attention because of the,
95. 10:02because it's very powerful oxymoron, in my opinion.
96. 10:06So the combination of two opposite words that what you mentioned.
97. 10:10So how something, what is positive could be toxic at the same moment. Yeah.
98. 10:16That's why that's my - Yeah. My choice.
99. 10:19Yeah. How would you. I think for a lot of people though, as you said, those words are, it's an oxymoron.
100. 10:26So these two opposite words that kind of fit together and create their own, kind of their own meaning.
101. 10:33If you had to describe what toxic positivity is to someone that hadn't heard that before - uh-huh. How would you describe that?
102. 10:42'Cause it is an unusual combination of words.
103. 10:46Mm. So I think that it is, it could be defined as a,
104. 10:51mm, approach or belief that no matter what difficult has happened or how difficult the situation is,
105. 11:02people should maintain a positive mindset. Mm-hmm.
106. 11:08And on the one hand, uh, it's okay.
107. 11:12But the problem is that people respond with,
108. 11:18or people not respond, but concentrate too much on it. And they, in the same way,
109. 11:26they dismiss the negative emotions that they have and they accumulate the negative emotions inside.
110. 11:33And I think that it isn't a good solution because people respond with false reassurance and rather than empathy. And - Yeah.
111. 11:43Yeah, that's the problem. Yeah.
112. 11:45Yeah. W- what a great way to explain that. And I, I'm, I f - I can only speak for my culture.
113. 11:52I can't even speak for all American culture, but just my life growing up and, and the culture of my life, I think there is definitely the trap of positivity
114. 12:03that we always have to. Even the, the worst things in life, the things that are horrible in life, we have to find the good in them.
115. 12:10We have to find the positive thing.
116. 12:12And I think that's a real trap of some of the culture that I grew up with. And so learning how to maintain balance of,
117. 12:22like, okay, yes, maybe there is something better that can come from this, but that doesn't mean I can't be really sad or angry or f - I mean, I have to accept that those emotions are also -.
118. 12:34Yeah.
119. 12:34We need to validate and acknowledge the bad emotions because they are the part of our life. Yeah. Yeah. Very important part of our life.
120. 12:43So - Yeah. We experience a range, range of emotions, good and bad, positive and negative. And it's totally natural that we experiencing them.
121. 12:54Yeah. And yeah, I think that, uh, when we dismiss, uh,
122. 13:02or deny existing negative emotion, it doesn't mean that we erase them.
123. 13:07They are still there. And yeah, it might me think about the, the metaphor or iceberg that, that what is positive and we express positive, toxic positivity.
124. 13:18It's something that we can see on the surface.
125. 13:22But the clue is finesse the surface. Mm-hmm.
126. 13:27And it could be connected with the negative emotions that we, that we have that we processing or we not processing, which is worse.
127. 13:35It's, uh, such an interesting. I feel like I could talk about it all day. And I, this is what I love. I, I love every time I'm in the, the community,
128. 13:43just getting to have, as you said, like, we get to have these really deep, fascinating conversations about psychological and emotionally intelligent issues, all of that.
129. 13:54But then also we have those everyday topics. Like,
130. 14:00I don't know, what's your favorite thing to eat for dinner? Yeah, stuff. Like, but those are real conversations too.
131. 14:06I remember it. Yeah. I remember it. It was very funny roadmap. Yeah.
132. 14:10I love it. I love just the whole, the. It's just real. It's, it's real life. Yeah.
133. 14:16And so I think about all of that and the conversations we have, they're all in English, and the goal is to develop, to develop confidence in doing that. So I'm really curious,
134. 14:26when you think about English confidence, what does that look like or sound like to you?
135. 14:35What is your idea or definition of that?
136. 14:39Of confidence. Of English. Hmm. So for me, it's a kind of personal belief in my ability
137. 14:49to communicate, um, effectively in English.
138. 14:54And it includes comfortable feeling, especially speaking, writing, listening,
139. 15:03and reading without the excessive fear of making mistakes.
140. 15:10Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
141. 15:11Of course, it's, it's challenging. And it, uh,
142. 15:18push us to, uh, step out our comfort zone. Yeah.
143. 15:22But if we want to, to be confident, we have to do this.
144. 15:29Yeah. Um, so I'm curious, what has helped you start to move forward in that direction?
145. 15:37Yeah. So f- first of all, I have to mention that in my case, confidence isn't a stable status or stable state. .
146. 15:46That is my main.That's what I wanna talk about. Yeah. It's not permanent.
147. 15:49.
148. 15:50It isn't something I gained once and kept for a lifetime. Yeah.
149. 15:55Definitely not.
150. 15:56Yeah.
151. 15:57It is very changeable. And I would say moody. And.
152. 16:03It's - Oh, what a great word. Yes.
153. 16:04And it's influenced by many factors.
154. 16:07Yeah.
155. 16:08Um, internal and external. Of course, my mood, my knowledge of something. Mm, the people I am speaking with,
156. 16:17work, lot, physical condition, and sometimes even of the weather.
157. 16:22Yeah. So it's really very, very changeable. And, um,
158. 16:28mm, coming back to the question, what, uh, helped me to, to be confident. So, or what helped me to, to be more, uh, more confident.
159. 16:41I think that finding the real reason to speak the genuine motivation. For me, mm,
160. 16:49it was an authentic curiosity about other people, particularly about women in CWC. So I've, uh,
161. 16:59met there, mm, individuals who share the same doubts, the same obstacles. And you've known me for a while,
162. 17:08and I always say that I am better listener than speaker.
163. 17:13But it doesn't help to speak in foreign language, and I know it. However, I love being with other people and the curiosity about others,
164. 17:23in my case, was a trigger.
165. 17:27Mm-hmm.
166. 17:27So when I meet or when we meet interesting people, there is always a temptation to, to know more.
167. 17:35And yeah, maybe that was my motivation and something that helped me.
168. 17:43Yeah. Yeah. I - Just to step out my comfort zone. .
169. 17:46Uh, I agree. And I, I love what you just said because I think that's
170. 17:52so often the myth about confidence is that it's, once we have it, it's, it's always there.
171. 17:58And one of the things I think I've learned over the last few years is that confidence is really a choice that we make in a moment, but it's not always an easy choice to make. And
172. 18:11as I love that word that you used, that it's moody, it changes.
173. 18:15And so many things influence it in the moment.
174. 18:19For me, when I think about confidence being a choice, it's c - it, for me, it's trusting the experience that I've had in the past, trusting the skills that I've worked to build,
175. 18:31trusting that the knowledge I have will be there when I need it.
176. 18:37Mm.
177. 18:39And making the decision to do what I need to do.
178. 18:42So it might be a hard conversation. It might be doing some public speaking.
179. 18:46It might be, as you said, expanding our comfort zones, but it's making the decision to do it and trusting that I'll be okay.
180. 18:53I have the skills. I have the experience. I have the words.
181. 18:58I can do this. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. It doesn't mean it will be perfect.
182. 19:01It won't be perfect. But I'll be okay.
183. 19:05But for me, being confident, uh, especially in English, isn't only a matter of, of language. It's also a matter of personality. Yeah.
184. 19:15Once I realize I'd gone down the same path in my native language, it become more, I become more tolerant of myself.
185. 19:25Yeah. Mm. It's a part of my introvert nature.
186. 19:29And it helps me a lot to find the link between my personality and how I express myself in similar situation,
187. 19:39also in English. Yeah. It took me a while , uh, to, to, to feel confident in my, my mother tongue as well.
188. 19:47So I'd rather stay in a backstage or in a background than shine as a, on a stage. Yeah. And now I'm processing the same in, in English.
189. 19:57So it's a natural process connecting with my personality.
190. 20:02I agree. I think discovering maybe being at peace with who we are.
191. 20:08And - Yeah, maybe. I don't know. The alignment. Yeah.
192. 20:12Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. Coming back . Coming back to - Yeah.
193. 20:17To alignment, contentment and happiness.
194. 20:20There is something else. Um, yeah, you've just remind me, mm, about one situation, uh, during the fluency school. You asked us,
195. 20:30treat me as if I were five. Mm-hmm. And tell me something.
196. 20:35And I'd like to modify it a little bit.
197. 20:38So when you start speaking in foreign language, especially at the beginning, treat yourself like a two or three-year-old
198. 20:49child who has the right to make some mistakes. Yeah.
199. 20:53Sometimes it is funny, sometimes it's awkward, but it's a journey that everyone has to go.
200. 21:01Through. Yeah. Yeah. I really love that. And I, I'm curious while you were saying that, I was thinking one thing I,
201. 21:09I strongly believe, and maybe it's just for me and my personality, but
202. 21:15for me to allow that, for me to allow,
203. 21:20for me to treat myself like a two or three-year-old and give myself the permission to make silly mistakes and not be so nervous about, for me,
204. 21:27I really needed safety or - Absolutely.
205. 21:32A comfortable place to do that. I couldn't do that with just somebody in, at a public restaurant that I didn't know. At least not at the beginning.
206. 21:39Now I can. Now I don't care. But at the beginning, I needed, I could only do that with people who I felt really comfortable with.
207. 21:48Um - Absolutely. I don't know if you felt the same way.
208. 21:51Yeah, absolutely. That's why, yeah, I appreciate so much CWC because it's a safe space for, for all of us.
209. 22:01Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, Anna, I thank you for doing this with me today.
210. 22:06I know your life has been super busy.
211. 22:07I know May and June were incredibly busy for you, so I really appreciate - No.
212. 22:12It'd be better. So it's, it's okay.
213. 22:14Well, I'm so glad.
214. 22:16Thank you so much for taking the time to do this and for sharing - Thank.
215. 22:20You once again. For having me.
216. 22:21Together. Sharing your life. Thank you for, thank you for being in my life.
217. 22:24I'm really grateful, but just thank you for sharing your thoughts on, on happy minds, happy lives, what it means to be confident,
218. 22:34positive, toxic positivity, all the things. So I really appreciate it.
219. 22:38Thank you so much.
220. 22:40Thank you too. Yeah. Thank you very much.
221. 22:44I don't think I can identify or name just one part of that conversation that I enjoyed the most. I enjoyed every single moment of it.
222. 22:55But I do know I love talking about confidence.
223. 22:58This is something I could talk about all day.
224. 23:00I'm always curious what other people think about confidence, what it looks like, what it feels like, what it sounds like,
225. 23:10especially when we're talking about speaking confidence.
226. 23:14I love what Anna said, that confidence is moody. It is moody.
227. 23:19It is influenced by so many things, both internally and externally, the things that we can control and the things that we can't control.
228. 23:28And so I loved getting to have that conversation about the myths of confidence. It's not something that's permanent.
229. 23:35It's not something that once we get it, we always have it.
230. 23:40I really do believe that it is something that we can choose to have, but it comes from experience and time and
231. 23:50opportunities to practice or prepare so that we know that we have the right skills or the right words or the ability that we need in the moment.
232. 23:59So I'm really curious for you to finish this up today.
233. 24:02I wanna ask you what confidence in English means to you.
234. 24:07I would love to hear your ideas of what it looks like or sounds like or feels like. So as always, please take a moment to share your thoughts, your ideas down below.
235. 24:18I do love reading the comments.
236. 24:21I read all of them and reply to as many as I can. Thank you so much for joining.
237. 24:25Thank you for listening to this conversation with Anna today, and I look forward to the next one.