How to Have Deeper Conversations in English: Ask Better Questions

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1. 0:00I want you to think about someone you see regularly.
2. 0:03And I'm not talking about your best friend or your mom.
3. 0:06This is more of an acquaintance.
4. 0:09So someone you see every Monday at your Pilates class.
5. 0:13It may be a parent where your child goes to school or even a new neighbor.
6. 0:18To keep things simple, I'm going to focus on the idea of someone you see every week in a Pilates class or at the gym. So again, this is someone you kind of know.
7. 0:28You've had a few really quick conversations.
8. 0:32You may or may not know her name, but you would definitely like to know her better.
9. 0:38So one day you see each other and she says, "Oh, my sister is coming to visit next month.
10. 0:44I haven't seen her in almost three years." And now I wanna ask you, how would you continue that conversation in English?
11. 0:52Take a moment and think about what question would you ask?
12. 0:56You could certainly ask, "How long is she staying?" And that's absolutely a natural question.
13. 1:03And she may respond with the answer, "Two weeks.
14. 1:06She's staying for two weeks." And now you have a fact about her plans. But here's another question you could ask.
15. 1:16To actually get to know her better, you could ask, "So what are you looking forward to the most while she's here?" And when you ask that question, she says, "Honestly,
16. 1:26just sitting at the kitchen table late at night and talking.
17. 1:30We used to do that all the time when we were younger. Now, you haven't only learned how long her sister is staying.
18. 1:38You've actually learned something about their relationship, the memories they share, and why this matters to the person you're speaking to.
19. 1:47And this is exactly what it means to have deeper conversations in English.
20. 1:52It means moving beyond knowing the facts and beginning to understand someone's experiences, memories, and what matters to them.
21. 2:02As a result, over time, those conversations can help a friendship grow.
22. 2:08And most often, the way into those kinds of conversations is through one better question at a time. So in this lesson,
23. 2:17you're going to learn how to ask those better questions.
24. 2:21And this is not about memorizing a long list.
25. 2:24It's simply learning how to listen closely to what the other person has already shared with you. Now, I wanna be clear about something.
26. 2:33Both of the example questions I shared with you are good questions.
27. 2:38When you ask, how long is she staying? This helps you understand the plan.
28. 2:42It gives you a fact. And then when you ask, "What are you looking forward to while she's here?" That question does something totally different.
29. 2:51It gives the other person room to tell you about the experience, her experience. And in response, she might tell you about a place that they wanna visit,
30. 3:04a meal that they always cook together, or those late night conversations they used to have when they were younger.
31. 3:11Whatever story she tells you, you now have more to respond to.
32. 3:16You also have something else that you can remember and ask about later.
33. 3:21So when I use this phrase, better question, I don't mean something that's more advanced or more personal.
34. 3:28What I mean is a question that is better for getting to know someone.
35. 3:33It's the kind of question that connects to something that she has already said and gives her the opportunity to share a little more.
36. 3:42To better understand this, I want to show you how both questions can be perfectly appropriate.
37. 3:48So let's go back to the beginning, and let's imagine that you see her at your Pilates class and she says, "My sister is coming to visit next month,
38. 3:57but I still haven't figured out where she's going to stay." And in that case, the best question to ask might be, "Well, how long is she staying?" And that question is an excellent question to ask
39. 4:09because maybe you've got a recommendation for her, but first you need to know, is she here for three days, seven days, or two weeks?
40. 4:17But when she says, "My sister is coming to visit and I haven't seen her in three years," that detail gives you an opportunity to ask what she's excited about,
41. 4:29what she's looking forward to, and why this visit matters to her.
42. 4:33Asking better questions is all about listening carefully, responding to what someone has already shared with you, and going beyond just the facts.
43. 4:46So how exactly do you find a better question in the moment?
44. 4:50The key is to listen for one detail that you can use to form the next question. Here's what I mean.
45. 4:58Let's say that you're chatting with someone, someone you don't know very well, and this person says, "I finally went back to my dance class last night.
46. 5:09I hadn't been there in almost a year." In those two little sentences, she has already given you several details.
47. 5:17She shared that she went back to doing something she used to do.
48. 5:23She shared that there had been a long break, and that last night was her first time returning. Now, you don't need to ask about all of those details. You can choose just one.
49. 5:34So if you say, "Wow, it's been more than a year.
50. 5:37What was it like to go back?" She might answer you with, "Well, I was pretty nervous at first, but two of the women I used to dance with were still there. And once I saw them,
51. 5:48I was totally relaxed." Now, you have additional details that you could use for more questions.
52. 5:56For example, you might say.
53. 5:57"Well, what made you decide to go back?" Or, "Did you get a chance to catch up with those two ladies?" And as a result of these questions,
54. 6:06the conversation continues naturally because each question comes directly from an answer that was given to you before.
55. 6:15This means that you're not constantly searching for a new topic or trying to find the perfect question.
56. 6:23You're listening carefully for one detail, then you're responding to it and asking for a little more.
57. 6:31Before we dig into this a little deeper, I wanna mention that asking thoughtful follow-up questions like this is one part of the complete conversation path that I teach inside
58. 6:43Fluency School. Inside the program, you learn how to move from a very simple hello into a natural exchange.
59. 6:51You learn how to keep the conversation going with open questions and details.
60. 6:56You learn to gradually explore experiences, opinions, and emotions when the moment is right.
61. 7:03The goal is never to memorize a random list of questions.
62. 7:09Instead, it's to understand where you are in a conversation and know exactly what can and should come next. Now, if that is something that you've been looking for in English,
63. 7:20you can learn more about Fluency School in the note that I'll leave below the video. But for now, I wanna move on to the next step,
64. 7:28which is what happens when you think of the perfect follow-up question after the conversation has already ended? Like,
65. 7:38three days later, three days go by, and then you think, "Oh, why didn't I ask this one question?" The truth is,
66. 7:45all of us have had times when we think of the perfect question later.
67. 7:51But the good news is, you can always come back to the topic of conversation later. For example, let's say that someone says to you, "My daughter is auditioning for the school play on Friday." And maybe
68. 8:03at that time, you struggle to find the right question.
69. 8:08Or maybe you're in a hurry and there isn't time for a longer conversation.
70. 8:13So in the moment, you say, "Oh, wow.
71. 8:16I hope she gets the part." And that's it.
72. 8:20But then when you see her the next time, you could say, "Oh, I remember your daughter was auditioning for the school play.
73. 8:27How did it go?" With this question, you're not introducing some random new topic.
74. 8:34You're continuing the conversation the two of you already started.
75. 8:38And when you say, "I remember you said," you're also showing that you listened to her, that you remember something important to her.
76. 8:48When I talk about this with my students in fluency school, we talk about the fact that listening to someone and remembering what they said is a gift.
77. 8:57You're giving that person the gift of your time and your attention.
78. 9:02So when you want to do this, when you want to ask questions later, you can use several simple phrases like the last time we spoke,
79. 9:10you mentioned, or I remember you said. You told me that.
80. 9:15And then after those starters, you can add on a question like, "How did it go?" Or, "How's that going?
81. 9:23What happened in the end?" Ultimately, sometimes the better question isn't the one you ask immediately.
82. 9:31It's the one that you remember to ask the next time you have the opportunity to talk. Now, when it comes to asking these kinds of questions,
83. 9:40the kind of questions that allow you to really get to know someone better, to understand their experiences, their opinions, ideas, and emotions, there's something important to know.
84. 9:52A thoughtful question is an invitation, and the other person decides how much or how little to share.
85. 10:01I'll give you an example of this.
86. 10:03I want you to imagine that you see your neighbor, and in that moment, you say to your neighbor, "I remember you said your mother was having surgery.
87. 10:13How is she doing?" And perhaps your neighbor says, "She's doing much better.
88. 10:18Thanks." And that's it. There's not a lot of detail there.
89. 10:23So it's clear that that's all she wants to say.
90. 10:25She's not giving you a lot of detail that you can't really ask for more.
91. 10:31So in that moment, you may simply respond with, "I'm really glad to hear that." And the conversation ends there. However,
92. 10:39an alternative answer is, "Oh, she's doing so much better. Thank you for asking.
93. 10:44But honestly, the recovery is taking so much longer than we expected.
94. 10:49In this case, she has chosen to share more with you, and you can respond to that. The truth is, the length and the detail of her answer can help guide you.
95. 11:00If someone gives you a super brief answer, you don't need to ask for another question.
96. 11:05They're signaling that they don't really want to share more.
97. 11:09But if someone does provide detail, if they continue the story, then you can continue with them.
98. 11:16And if you're ever worried that a topic is particularly sensitive, you can always add an additional phrase. For example,
99. 11:25only if you feel comfortable sharing, or if you don't mind me asking.
100. 11:29For example, if your neighbor tells you about this lengthy recovery, you might say, That sounds really stressful. If you don't mind me asking, how are you handling it all?
101. 11:39What I want you to remember most here is that asking these better questions is all about asking for details about something that has already
102. 11:49been mentioned, and then allow that person to decide how.
103. 11:53Much or how little they want to continue sharing with you.
104. 11:57So now I want you to think about one person you'd like to get to know better.
105. 12:01What is something that person has shared with you recently?
106. 12:05Maybe she mentioned a trip that she was planning, or a change in her family, or a hobby that she has returned to, or something she's looking forward to.
107. 12:16Use that specific detail to form one follow-up question.
108. 12:21And don't forget that it's always recommended to begin with, I remember you said, or last time I saw you, you mentioned.
109. 12:30Then simply repeat that one detail you remember and ask for a little more. And if you want, you can share your example question with me in the comments below.
110. 12:41I want you to remember that you don't need an impressive question or a long list to memorize. All you need is to listen carefully to others.
111. 12:51Listen to what they've already shared with you.
112. 12:54Choose one detail and let that detail guide you to the next question.
113. 13:00That is how a better question can lead to deeper, more meaningful conversations in English, and over time, help a friendship to grow. Now, as always,
114. 13:11if you found this lesson helpful to you, don't forget to subscribe or follow wherever you're watching or listening from today. Thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to next time.